this blog is officially closed 🚧 or maybe not closed. let’s say: suspended. no, closed!
you see? this is not easy. exciting, but not easy. lots of memories. lots of moments. happy ones. sad ones.
there won’t be any new stuff here. I moved to a completely new place. telling this story from the beginning. all over again. leaving this huge luggage of the past. of yesterday’s me. this story has to be rewritten. the proper way.
there is no change without changing. and no leaving without leaving.
I feel like I was writing this kind of post two hundred times in the past. I’m always starting again, always from scratch, always trying to build something, always trying to change many things. and eventually always failing. well, this is not true. not all true. I’m always failing with the whole plan, but always making a few steps forward, always improving something in my life. sometimes it’s one little thing, another time it’s five huge things. it’s never the whole story, but it’s always something. and it’s ok. actually it’s very ok. I’m giving myself permission to not feel guilty about my past attempts, to not call them failures, to start again.
so, where I am now? let’s see.
it’s monday, 7 am. is there a better time to start something than monday morning?
73.1 kg on my scale – this is important. for me. I’m trying to go below 70 kg. well, I remember when I was trying to go below 80 kg.
drinking my coffee. with oat milk. without sugar. this no‑sugar thing is hard. but I’m doing it again. I feel like sugar is responsible for 20% of bad things in my life. it’s probably not true, but it shows how big this fight is for me right now.
I’m a little ill right now. a big runny nose that already moved to my sinuses. I rested most of the weekend, but today my body has to start getting ready for a lot of movement, exercise, dancing.
and yeah, I’m still learning to dance. jazz, modern jazz, contemporary. third year. still having the greatest fun with this. still feeling there’s so much to learn, so much to improve. I’m so far from what I want to accomplish that I’m actually scared to even write about it.
I’m 41 years old. not so important, but… kind of is. or maybe not? I live the life of someone closer to 30. but I’m 41. this is a topic I’ll have to think about one day. but not today. and not tomorrow.
I’m writing in english. still. last year, during one of my transformations, I switched my life – and my blog – from polish to english. I always wanted this, tried several times, but only the last change really clicked. it’s harder than living in polish (I live in poland, so…), but it was worth it.
I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. this is also important. I’m fighting with food all the time. or… a better way to say it: I’m paying close attention to what I eat and when I eat. this framing works better for me.
I’m writing this on my beloved ipad. standing. drinking coffee. listening to calm music. with too many ideas in my head. for this blog. for my life. for the next fights.
this is the life I want to live.
let’s see what happens next.
monday, 19.01.2026
: I’ve started new #dance classes. A new place, a completely new space, a new teacher. Everything is new. New movements, a lot of #improvisation. And it’s hard. Really hard.
Most of the time I don’t feel great there. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong — not just with my #body, but also with remembering the #choreography. I miss steps, I get lost, I react too late. What’s interesting is that I’m not even that self-conscious anymore. I was much worse a year or two ago. Still, it hurts. I’m #frustrated. Not angry — frustrated.
In my regular classes, with teachers I know well, I learned how to hide #mistakes. I know my tricks. Here, with someone new, I can’t hide anything. Everything is visible. Every error. The class is two hours long. Two full hours of #struggling with almost every movement. It’s exhausting, emotionally more than physically.
Today was the second class. And it was better. Not good — just a little better. Tiny steps. A long way ahead before I feel comfortable there, but it feels doable. That matters.
Maybe it’s actually easier not to give up because it’s so hard. I’m strange like that. If something is too easy, it doesn’t hold me for long. I need friction. I need #resistance. After these classes, #emotions are high. I’m driving home and I can feel that old pattern waking up — eating stress, eating emotions. But this time there’s a pause. Recording this, then transcribing it, gives me enough space to not buy something awful for my body.
So no, I don’t feel good after these classes. But I stay.
saturday, 10.01.2026
i love:
#weekends because I do the same things I do on regular weekdays. but on weekends nobody disturbs me. and that’s so nice. I really love it. ↗
friday, 02.01.2026
: it’s #january already. so it’s time for a new month’s #playlist. this is it:
I’ll be building it through the whole #january. adding #music I actually listen to. #music that stays with me this month.
I’m #writing. #music is playing. #snow and sun at the same time behind the window. and it feels so unreal how #calm this #morning is.
I keep thinking how long it took me to experience a day like this. forty-one starts before this one. and only now it feels right.
last year comes back to me too. 2025 was good. solid. important.
today feels like a good moment to close it properly. to look back once more. and then move forward, slowly, into what’s next.
i love:
this kind of #winter. real #winter, #snow everywhere. it started yesterday. I don’t know how long it will last – maybe a week, maybe two – I hope long. I’m writing this from my kitchen, like always, from my writing corner, looking through the window all the time, smiling at this beautiful #snow. people around me complain that it’s hard to drive, that you have to clear #snow from sidewalks and yards, that it’s cold, that it’s a disaster. well… people like complaining, I guess. for me it’s the opposite. it brings back the best #memories of my #childhood and puts me in a good mood instantly. yesterday I cleared the yard twice, today I’ll do it again – slowly, with so much pleasure. ↗
koniec roku 2026
december 2025
wednesday, 31.12.2025
: yesterday ended with two sentences. one came from my own thinking. the other from words I heard. I didn’t argue with either of them. I just kept them.
if nothing changes, nothing changes.
nothing should be forced.
: woke up very early today. it was still dark and so #quiet. I opened the door – and there it was. #snow.
for some reason, it made me instantly happy. no big thoughts. just a clear, childish yessssss inside.
and it looks so good with my pink-and-white lights. I really love it. my own little world.
I spent over an hour clearing the #snow. slow. physical. simple. my favorite kind of gym. cold air, warm body, empty head. music in my airpods.
this is the kind of #winter I was waiting for. Winter Wonderland by Michael Bublé felt obvious.
: next day. morning. early morning. I’ve just finished my first full #workout in my dance room. an apple fitness + #dance#workout. more than 20 minutes. real #movement. real sweat. and it feels so good.
yesterday it was six minutes. today it’s more than twenty. I’m actually doing this.
sunday, 28.12.2025
: almost a year ago, an idea showed up in my head. to take an old garage – full of old stuff, dirty, forgotten – and turn it into my own #dance room. a workout room. a small private #gym. mine. for a year, it was just a #dream, and during that year I was slowly doing it. cleaning. throwing things away. fixing. arranging. changing this weird, dirty place into something real.
now I’m thinking about it and I’m proud. five minutes ago I wasn’t. but when I look at the whole #transformation, I am. really. it was a very old, very dirty place. and now it’s a #dance room. a workout room. my #space.
today I went there for the first training. the first one after almost a year of building instead of using. and it was hard. not physically – mentally. this place isn’t finished. not even close. but it’s good enough to start. so I started. six minutes. only six minutes of actual workout. I was there much longer, but the workout itself was six minutes. and that was fine. it was hard. but it was good.
there was a lot of #pressure. switching from creating this place to actually using it. #pressure from the room. #pressure from the #dream. #pressure from myself. now it’s late evening and I already know something: I will go there tomorrow. and the day after tomorrow. and the next day too. I won’t say “I hope”. I will use it.
I’ve been waiting for this for so long. and now it’s here. done enough. real. usable. this #dream already came true. now I just need to live inside it. and maybe… let the #pressure go. and have fun there. we’ll see.
: it’s okay to change direction. as many times as needed. that’s called learning. so let’s…
friday, 26.12.2025
: I decided to stop drinking #coffee. not as an experiment – as something permanent. I’ve been circling around this for months, mentioning it here and there on my blog. #caffeine affects me too much, and I don’t like the state it puts me in.
after a few days without it, my body calmed down. mornings were quieter. my head clearer. less tension, less internal noise. I started dealing with silence more easily.
then I was out for breakfast with @anna, at a coffee place. and… I ordered coffee. without thinking. a large one. probably two espressos. no decaf, no pause – old habit took over. and yes, the taste was great.
the reaction wasn’t. tension came back almost immediately. tight chest, restless body, mind speeding up for no reason. after a few calm days, the contrast was brutal. this is what caffeine does to me. I’ve known it for years, but feeling the difference so clearly is something else. they gave me a sugar packet, I added it automatically. once I broke one rule, breaking another was easy. caffeine plus sugar – old pattern, no reflection. that part disappointed me.
I went back to not drinking coffee at home. things settled again.
and then one early morning, with work to finish, I made coffee at home. actually, two. something completely normal for the old me. this time I noticed something new. not just tension – my heart rate went up. not panic, not chaos. smooth, controlled, but clearly faster. my body noticed before my thoughts did.
that moment stopped me.
when caffeine isn’t constant anymore, its effects become impossible to ignore. it’s no longer background noise. it’s a clear signal. coffee isn’t neutral for me. it changes my #nervous system. it shifts my internal tempo. it puts me in a state I don’t choose.
this isn’t a lesson learned. it’s part of the #process. I’m still adjusting. still slipping sometimes. still paying attention. but the decision is clear – I don’t want caffeine in my life as a daily, mindless habit. maybe it can be useful sometimes. maybe not at all. I’ll see.
this post is just a marker. this is where it became obvious.
thursday, 25.12.2025
i love:
#pink. it came to me quietly. a few weeks ago. maybe months. hard to say. it started with my adidas #shoes – white, with pink details. at first I thought: ok, that’s a bit girly. but then… so what. they’re junior style anyway. and I really like them. a lot. then there were the #light. for a long time I was only using blue or red. always. everywhere. and then @anna showed me pink. just like that. and suddenly it clicked. it’s soft. warm. calm. I use it all the time now. there was probably a moment in my life when I thought I shouldn’t like #pink. no idea why. doesn’t matter anymore. I like it. I’m fine with it. I love #pink. ↗
#christmas is done. not a trip, not really. just #christmas going. driving. staying somewhere that isn’t mine. with my #daughters at my #parents’ place – #christmas eve and the first day. today I drove them to their mom so they can spend the rest of #christmas there.
I’ve been waiting for this moment for some time. not only for #christmas to end, but for a few things to close at once – #work stuff, personal stuff, obligations that were just sitting there and taking space. #christmas was one of them. now it’s time to move on. finally.
the last few days were hard. being away from #home drains me. sleeping somewhere else drains me. this whole #christmas spectacle drains me. my #parents’ house isn’t my house. I like my rules. my rhythm. my surroundings. I like being #independent. I need that feeling to function. well, in some areas I think.
now there’s finally space. first – #sleep. #rest. getting my strength back.
but I can already feel that some things need to be cleaned up. some #habits, some decisions, some leftovers from the last weeks, maybe even months. I don’t want to just go through my #life. I want to shape it. choose it. live it the way it actually fits me.
so this is where I am. back #home. resting. and getting ready to move again.
monday, 22.12.2025
: of course, sitting in the #cinema, this thought showed up: what if I sold the #TV and only went to the #cinema when I actually want to watch a #movie? just an idea. for now. let it grow.
: I went to #avatar 3 yesterday with my #daughters. three hours flew by. visuals, sound, scale, #emotions – everything just worked. pure immersion. no boredom, no checking the time.
it was #fun. genuinely #fun. the kind of #cinema that reminds me why I still like going to the movies. nice job, mr. cameron.
my #body feels warm, open, alive. not exhausted – activated. like everything is in the right place. muscles awake, breath deeper, head quiet. it’s such a good moment.
there’s something very simple about this feeling. my #body knows it was taken care of. it knows it moved with music, with #rhythm, with intention. and it answers with #calm energy instead of tension.
i’m sitting here a few minutes after class and i feel… grateful. honestly grateful. not in a big, dramatic way. just a quiet thank you spreading through my #body. a warm feeling I want to capture for future me.
right now everything feels lighter. steadier. more aligned. and i’m really glad I was there.
monday, 15.12.2025
: today is the day! I’m going to #body#balance later, and that already puts this day in a slightly different category, because today is the first day of a new #choreography. new #music, new sequences, a new flow that will stay with me for the next three months. it happens only four times a year, so yes – this is a small celebration.
but the reason isn’t novelty. it’s what these Les Mills choreographed classes are for me. officially they’re fitness, technically they’re training, but very quickly they stop feeling like exercise at all. I don’t count reps, I don’t think about muscles – I move. well… I #dance. the #choreography connects everything: one transition melts into another, breath, #balance, arms, spine, all stitched together by #music. after a few classes the trainer fades into the background, I know the sequence, my #body remembers it – and that’s when it becomes #dance.
that’s why these three-month cycles matter so much to me. a #choreography isn’t something I use up in one class – I live in it. I come back again and again, it settles, deepens, becomes familiar, and in that familiarity there’s comfort, joy, and progress at the same time. today a new one begins, and it’s #monday, which makes it even more special – the big class, fifty spots, always full, familiar faces I know from seeing, bodies moving together in the same internal rhythm. it reminds me of a kind of #festival, really.
I’m on #body#balance three, four, sometimes five times a week, and every time I find this quiet pocket of #dance inside the #gym. not work on my #body, but time with my #body. so happy about this day!
: something happened tonight. not a thought. not a plan. a move.
for weeks I’ve been making small #decisions. quiet ones. almost invisible. and tonight it all piled up and spilled out at once. I took things out of my #kitchen. physically. deliberately. things that don’t belong there anymore. things that don’t belong in my #life anymore – even if I’m not ready to name all the reasons yet.
this #photo is the result of that moment. not the end. not even the beginning. just proof that a line was crossed. and that a new #reality is already forming. I’ll come back to this.
Cenię prywatność użytkowników
Używam plików cookie, aby poprawić jakość przeglądania, wyświetlać reklamy lub treści dostosowane do indywidualnych potrzeb użytkowników oraz analizować ruch na stronie.
Kliknięcie przycisku „Akceptuj wszystkie" oznacza zgodę na wykorzystywanie przeze mnie plików cookie.
Dostosuj preferencje dotyczące zgody
Niezbędny
Zawsze aktywne
Niezbędne pliki cookie mają kluczowe znaczenie dla podstawowych funkcji witryny i witryna nie będzie działać w zamierzony sposób bez nich. Te pliki cookie nie przechowują żadnych danych umożliwiających identyfikację osoby.
Funkcjonalny
Funkcjonalne pliki cookie pomagają wykonywać pewne funkcje, takie jak udostępnianie zawartości witryny na platformach mediów społecznościowych, zbieranie informacji zwrotnych i inne funkcje stron trzecich.
Analityka
Analityczne pliki cookie służą do zrozumienia, w jaki sposób użytkownicy wchodzą w interakcję z witryną. Te pliki cookie pomagają dostarczać informacje o metrykach liczby odwiedzających, współczynniku odrzuceń, źródle ruchu itp.
Wydajność
Wydajnościowe pliki cookie służą do zrozumienia i analizy kluczowych wskaźników wydajności witryny, co pomaga zapewnić lepsze wrażenia użytkownika dla odwiedzających.
Reklama
Reklamowe pliki cookie służą do dostarczania odwiedzającym odpowiednich reklam i kampanii marketingowych. Te pliki cookie śledzą odwiedzających w witrynach i zbierają informacje w celu dostarczania spersonalizowanych reklam.
