: lately I feel like I’m drifting again. not completely lost, but definitely not where I want to be. that weird in-between space where I keep moving, going to dance classes, checking things off… but somehow still ending the day in a way that doesn’t feel like my life. fast food, a quick show, some scrolling. nothing dramatic. nothing terrible. just… typical. and that’s exactly the problem.
I don’t want a typical life. I can’t afford a typical life if I want the things I say I want.
and it hits even harder because this isn’t new. it’s a pattern. November comes, and suddenly I have two dating apps installed again. I start “looking” for something, even though I have no idea what. fast food sneaks back in. tiny routines I don’t want quietly push away the ones I do. I’ve seen this before. last year, the year before… the same loop.
and that’s when the disappointment lands. because I know I’m capable of more. a few months ago I felt strong, focused, moving forward. and now? now I feel like a regular guy doing regular things. and nothing in me wants “regular.”
the scary part is realising that I actually believed I was past this. that I owned my life now. that I ruled it. and facing these patterns again makes me feel like I’m just a weak human after all. and that weak human… he can’t make my dreams happen. I need to be better than that.
so today I finally said the thing I didn’t want to admit out loud:
I am disappointed with myself. very much.
and maybe this is the start of the anger I’ve been waiting for. just a tiny spark, but maybe it’ll lead somewhere again. the worst part? even that feels like a pattern too. anger → motivation → mobilization → drift → repeat. and I honestly don’t know what to feel about that.
