Tag: change
Wednesday, 31.12.2025
Sunday, 28.12.2025
Friday, 26.12.2025
: I decided to stop drinking #coffee. not as an experiment – as something permanent. I’ve been circling around this for months, mentioning it here and there on my blog. #caffeine affects me too much, and I don’t like the state it puts me in.
after a few days without it, my body calmed down. mornings were quieter. my head clearer. less tension, less internal noise. I started dealing with silence more easily.
then I was out for breakfast with @anna, at a coffee place. and… I ordered coffee. without thinking. a large one. probably two espressos. no decaf, no pause – old habit took over. and yes, the taste was great.
the reaction wasn’t. tension came back almost immediately. tight chest, restless body, mind speeding up for no reason. after a few calm days, the contrast was brutal. this is what caffeine does to me. I’ve known it for years, but feeling the difference so clearly is something else. they gave me a sugar packet, I added it automatically. once I broke one rule, breaking another was easy. caffeine plus sugar – old pattern, no reflection. that part disappointed me.
I went back to not drinking coffee at home. things settled again.
and then one early morning, with work to finish, I made coffee at home. actually, two. something completely normal for the old me. this time I noticed something new. not just tension – my heart rate went up. not panic, not chaos. smooth, controlled, but clearly faster. my body noticed before my thoughts did.
that moment stopped me.
when caffeine isn’t constant anymore, its effects become impossible to ignore. it’s no longer background noise. it’s a clear signal. coffee isn’t neutral for me. it changes my #nervous system. it shifts my internal tempo. it puts me in a state I don’t choose.
this isn’t a lesson learned. it’s part of the #process. I’m still adjusting. still slipping sometimes. still paying attention. but the decision is clear – I don’t want caffeine in my life as a daily, mindless habit. maybe it can be useful sometimes. maybe not at all. I’ll see.
this post is just a marker. this is where it became obvious.
Thursday, 25.12.2025
Monday, 15.12.2025
: something happened tonight. not a thought. not a plan. a move.
for weeks I’ve been making small #decisions. quiet ones. almost invisible. and tonight it all piled up and spilled out at once. I took things out of my #kitchen. physically. deliberately. things that don’t belong there anymore. things that don’t belong in my #life anymore – even if I’m not ready to name all the reasons yet.
this #photo is the result of that moment. not the end. not even the beginning. just proof that a line was crossed. and that a new #reality is already forming. I’ll come back to this.
Monday, 08.12.2025
: I heard this today in the #morning. and I stopped myself for a second, just to think about it:
who you are? in this moment in time. and who you want to be.
you get one #life, you decide how you gonna spend it.
yeah… just a small, stupid quote from some american movie. but these tiny questions sometimes hit harder than the big ones. they actually help me make better decisions. small decisions. like now, this #morning. looking back at my last week and seeing how many things didn’t go the way they should’ve.
and it’s ok. because with questions like this I can look at it again, shift a few things, fix a few others. do something new, or stop doing something old. we’ll see where this goes.
Saturday, 06.12.2025
an unexpected morning
yesterday’s #morning started as something small. slow #coffee (without #sugar), favorite #podcast, kitchen #cleaning, some december’s sunlight on the table. nothing big, actually I felt I was finally #resting for a moment. and I just wanted to write a few #thoughts down and enjoy the moment. but somehow… it turned into one of the most important conversations I’ve had here in a long time. and it wasn’t even a typical chat.
I was using my special #chatgpt profile – the one built for deep, reflective conversations, full of long instructions, layers, and rules that help me look at patterns I don’t usually see myself. I talked out loud into the transcribe function of chatgpt. my voice turned into #text. that text went to chat, then I tapped to listen to the #response. so the whole thing felt like #talking to someone, but with little pauses in between – not a voice chat, not typing, more like a strange, gentle rhythm of speaking, listening, noticing. I like this kind of conversations, it’s like having chatgpt responses to my #journal entries. well, it’s exactly like that.
and somehow that rhythm opened something. I thought I was simply appreciating a good #morning. instead, it became a mirror. and it showed something completely different than calmness and slowness.
what I expected to be a soft, gentle check-in ended up showing me a pattern I wasn’t fully aware of – the way I stretch myself, how I avoid disappointing #people, how easily I sacrifice the parts of me that should be protected. and I didn’t notice it until now. until that #morning that felt “too good,” too light, too calm… and suddenly made sense in a completely different way.
the entire #conversation lasted about two hours, mixed into my whole morning. two hours of talking, pausing, listening, thinking, and slowly arriving somewhere completely unexpected.
I didn’t plan this. I didn’t look for it. it just happened.
I want to keep this #conversation as a footprint. not because someone else has to read it, but because I want to have it on my path – a reminder of the moment something clicked, quietly and unexpectedly. a moment where a perfect #morning turned into a turning point.
so below is the full #conversation. lightly edited (I also blurted-out a few very personal stuff), but it’s mostly as it happened.
a morning that changed shape halfway through. a morning that showed me something about myself I wasn’t planning to see. a morning worth keeping.
: #saturday feels like a good day to start fixing what’s off. just as good as any other day, really. but it happens to be saturday today, so… let’s do it.
Thursday, 13.11.2025
: lately I feel like I’m drifting again. not completely lost, but definitely not where I want to be. that weird in-between space where I keep moving, going to dance classes, checking things off… but somehow still ending the day in a way that doesn’t feel like my life. fast food, a quick show, some scrolling. nothing dramatic. nothing terrible. just… typical. and that’s exactly the problem.
I don’t want a typical life. I can’t afford a typical life if I want the things I say I want.
and it hits even harder because this isn’t new. it’s a pattern. November comes, and suddenly I have two dating apps installed again. I start “looking” for something, even though I have no idea what. fast food sneaks back in. tiny routines I don’t want quietly push away the ones I do. I’ve seen this before. last year, the year before… the same loop.
and that’s when the disappointment lands. because I know I’m capable of more. a few months ago I felt strong, focused, moving forward. and now? now I feel like a regular guy doing regular things. and nothing in me wants “regular.”
the scary part is realising that I actually believed I was past this. that I owned my life now. that I ruled it. and facing these patterns again makes me feel like I’m just a weak human after all. and that weak human… he can’t make my dreams happen. I need to be better than that.
so today I finally said the thing I didn’t want to admit out loud:
I am disappointed with myself. very much.
and maybe this is the start of the anger I’ve been waiting for. just a tiny spark, but maybe it’ll lead somewhere again. the worst part? even that feels like a pattern too. anger → motivation → mobilization → drift → repeat. and I honestly don’t know what to feel about that.
Thursday, 06.11.2025
it’s thursday – my only #evening this week without any dance class. no jazz, no gym, no training.
just me. and that’s usually the #danger zone.
because you know how it goes – a free #evening, some fast food, maybe a tv show, a bit of #scrolling… and then the night’s gone. but not today. today I stopped myself. I just said: no. I put my shoes on and went for a #walk.
and that changed everything.
I was supposed to rest, but I don’t really rest. I rest through motion, through #change. after a few kilometers I felt lighter, stronger, full of energy. this #walk gave me #fuel. to think, to act, to move.
when there’s #change, there’s excitement. and when excitement becomes routine – that’s the best part. because that means I made it mine.
so yeah. maybe it was just a #walk.
but maybe it was also a small rebellion – against old #habits, against the quiet pull of nothingness. and it worked. I feel alive again.
#progress. that’s what it was.
: yesterday I’ve cancelled two #subscriptions. feedbin, and after that also instapaper. nothing big – but something changed.
a few days ago I got an email about my feedbin renewal. not a huge thing, just one of those automatic reminders. I was even going to renew it – it’s not expensive, and feedbin is a nice service. but that one email made me stop. think. and somehow it triggered a whole chain reaction.
I looked at my rss feeds – dozens of them, thousands of unread articles. that wasn’t information anymore, it was baggage. old versions of me, old habits, old curiosities, old languages. like a room full of ghosts – whispering: “read me, remember me, you used to care.” but I don’t. not anymore.
many of them were polish blogs, polish sources, topics I’m not interested in. those feeds were still publishing into a room I no longer live in. every scroll was a reminder of someone I used to be.
so I started cleaning. like I clean my #space. like a minimalist should. deleting (rss) apps and subscriptions isn’t about data – it’s about weight. emotional weight. unread articles feel like unfinished conversations, like a debt to my past self.
so I let them go. cancelled feedbin, then cancelled instapaper, moved everything into one reader (reeder) app. one that feels light. and it’s probably temporary. or maybe not. I don’t even know if I’ll stay with it. maybe I’ll simplify it even more. but right now, it feels free. not the “I can do anything” kind of freedom – the “I don’t have to” kind.
and that’s the best kind of #freedom. people usually add things to feel better. I prefer removing them. one quiet decision, one small click – and suddenly half my digital life rearranged itself.
Wednesday, 05.11.2025
: #apple #music, when I play something called “my station”, keeps giving me sad songs. well, mostly. spotify didn’t do that. and i wonder – does apple music think i’m a sad person? need sad songs? need this reflection time with music? or does it just remember me as that person?
I used apple music for many years, then switched to #spotify just a year ago. and honestly, I’m a completely different person now. #spotify knows only the new me – without the old luggage.
three years ago, my life was quieter. I was rebuilding, searching for my new self. kind of lost in some ways, unsure what to do, I guess. transforming.
and when I started using spotify, I was already dancing, moving, breathing differently. had that energy that spotify saw – and learned.
so maybe it’s time to raise apple music to who i am now.
Thursday, 30.10.2025
: I haven’t been weighing myself lately, because I’m afraid of what I might see on the scale. so I just let it go. I try not to think about it, not to look at it. I even threw it out of my morning routine, just so I don’t accidentally see the number.
yeah, I know… but the fact that I’m writing about it probably means I’m getting ready to change that.
: yesterday I started new modern jazz classes at my #dance school – @revolution dance center . new trainer, @anna . I remember I had one or two classes with her before, few months ago, when she was replacing someone. i remember it was nice. and now she’s here again, with her own group. so i joined.
first classes are always strange. everyone’s new, everything’s new. but i like that. I like training basics, even though i’m not good at them. that’s exactly why I like them – because there’s always something to fix, something to polish. and Anna has her own style – soft but demanding. new movements, new way of thinking, new rhythm. and that’s what i need.
I had to resign from classes with @kamila , which was hard. I really like her. but I still have her classes on monday and friday, so I didn’t lose her completely. i just added something new. but yesterday, when I watched a video from @kamila other group – the one I left – I felt jealous and had #fomo. they were dancing this new project choreography and it looked great. and I missed it. I missed being there.
but I know this is the right decision. because if I want to grow, I have to keep changing. I can’t stay in one place, even if it’s a good one. every trainer has their own piece of the same dance style – maybe 10% of it – and if i keep learning from just one person, I’ll only ever get that 10%. but when I change, I get another 10%, and then another. and maybe that’s how I’ll build the whole picture one day.
so, I guess this is not only about dance. that’s just how I live. i can’t stay in the same place too long. I need new things, new ideas, new people around me. that’s how I grow. that’s how I breathe.
sometimes I wonder what’s next. in my dreams, I see myself as a dancer who can show his dance, maybe teach someone how to move, maybe even stand on a stage and inspire others. and when I wake up, I’m still just here – at my school, with my classes, learning, training. maybe i don’t believe in myself enough. or maybe I just love this road so much that I don’t want it to end.
and maybe one day I’ll do something crazy again – something that will change everything. because I know myself. I probably will.
Thursday, 23.10.2025
: sometimes, to make a #change, you just have to make a #change. a small one.
like changing the #direction where – or how – you #sleep. you know, upside down. just #sleep upside down.
start with this tiny thing and see what happens.
and if it doesn’t work, try something else.
change another small thing.
something will stick.
something will click.
and that one small thing might be the tip of the iceberg – the thing that changes everything.
just try. i’m #trying. small thing. another one.
