: I’ve added this to my days now. this tiny #routine from the video. maybe it won’t help me at all, but it definitely won’t harm me. and that’s enough for me to keep (start) doing it.
: today I had this weird little realization…
people around me – people who know me pretty well, or even people who just met me – somehow assume that I don’t really have to #work. not in the “9 to 5” sense, not in the “I’m on calls all day” sense. they assume I’m just… available. that if they want to meet, walk, talk, whatever – I can just do it, in the middle of the day, because apparently I’m this guy who doesn’t have much to do. and I get this a lot.
and at first it felt a bit unfair. like: hey, do you really think I’m doing nothing all day?
but then… no. actually… it says something nice about me.
because the truth is, I do have a lot of #work. maybe even more than others. I have so many jobs, so many roles. projects, deadlines, things to fix, things to build. sometimes I don’t even know if what I’m doing is still “work”, or already a hobby, or just helping people because I like it.
my life isn’t built around office hours – it’s built around my own system. this big, weird system that I’m trying to run. I slip my tasks between the rest of my day. I spread them out, I shift them around. I don’t sit from 9 till 5 in one place, staring at a screen. I #work in pieces, in waves, in gaps. and I have this skill of instantly changing my whole plan for the day when something explodes – turning a quiet morning into a packed day and still somehow managing it. it’s not a talent, it’s something I taught myself.
and when people see me living like this, they probably think “oh, he must not have much to do.”
but the truth is the opposite – I just learned to work while living. and live while working. I guess.
and yes, I get stressed. but it’s not the “I won’t finish this” kind of stress. it’s the “how the hell do I fit all of this into one day?” kind of stress. or maybe better: “how do I mix these tasks, delay the right ones, move things around so the day still works?”. because my brain is always half-in my work anyway. even when I’m doing something else, part of me is already solving the next problem in the background.
and that’s the funny part.
their assumption looks wrong, but it actually proves something good: I’m managing this weird life pretty well (even if I’m constantly searching for a better system to handle my tasks and projects). my days don’t look like workdays, but my work gets done. my head helps me. it keeps turning, connecting things, solving problems quietly in the background.
so yeah, it’s strange. but also… nice. it means I built a life where work doesn’t look like work from the outside. and maybe that’s something to be proud of.
: so I’ve been thinking about this whole “I’m #weird” thing. I said it a few times lately, talking about my #lifestyle, the way I live, the choices I make. it’s always been the easy shortcut – just call myself #weird and move on. easier to say “I’m #weird” than “I live differently”. easier to joke than to stand there and admit I’m choosing a life most people don’t choose.
but after two days of letting this sit in my head… no. I’m not #weird. this isn’t about weirdness at all. this is about #courage. simple as that.
#courage to live the way I want, not the way everyone else expects. courage to stop copying the standard life package and do things I actually want to do. courage to skip the things everybody else does without thinking. courage to pick my own path, even if it looks strange from the outside.
and yeah… maybe to some people it is weird. maybe for me it’s easier to label it that way because being different still scares me sometimes. but the truth is: I have a great life. not perfect, not always easy, but mine. I get to chase dreams – or at least try – and not many people do that. not many even dare.
there are moments full of doubts, frustration, anger at myself… but there’s also this huge part of me that’s just happy. happy with the choices I make, with the adventures I have, with the strange little rituals of my everyday life.
so maybe I shouldn’t say it’s weird. but if it is… fine. let it be weird. because honestly, who the hell has a life like mine? with this mix of chaos, courage, emotions and these ridiculous, beautiful adventures?
: today is that day: I’m sitting in a bus, going… somewhere. I don’t even know where yet. i’ll just drift through #Warsaw, the way I like on days like this. after this quiet, calm weekend, I actually have the energy to live like that – slow, loose, without any plan. just moving, breathing, watching the city carry me.
i love:
my #life in this little house, with all these tiny #rituals holding me together. it hits me especially on days like this, when I move through everything in sync with my #emotions… not fighting them, not running from them, just flowing a bit. and suddenly this small space feels like the whole world I need. ↗
i love:
that moment when I touch the #mint growing in my #kitchen and my hands smell like it for the next few minutes. that fresh, sharp #mint scent… damn, it hits something good in me. it’s such a tiny thing, just a plant on the counter, but every time I brush my fingers through its leaves, it feels like a small upgrade to the day. I keep sniffing my hands like an idiot, and I don’t care – I love this smell. ↗
: another one of my #plants is dying, and it hits me harder than I want to admit. I know it’s “just a plant”, but for me it never feels like that. they’re my little family. my quiet #pets. I’m attached to them in this strange, simple way, and every time one of them stops doing well, something in me sinks.
I keep around thirty of them. most of them are fine, living with me, growing slowly, existing in their quiet way. but some of them… some of them don’t make it. some of them I fail to take care of. and it’s sad every single time. it shouldn’t hurt this much, but it does.
maybe it’s because I try. I look at them, I water them, I move them around, I check the soil, the light, everything. and when I still can’t help – that’s when it really gets me.
so that’s my little thought for today. I just want to keep it here, in my diary. there was this plant. it lived with me. and now it doesn’t.
: i’ve bought a yearly access to a dance masterclass. and honestly, the first thought wasn’t excitement – it was “will I actually use this?”
this one fits my life right now. I #dance every day. I have my own training room (almost ready!). I want better #technique, cleaner lines, more control. this wasn’t some random impulse – it’s exactly on my path. I planned to buy it someday, and today’s discount just pushed me to finally do it.
so I’ll open it today. even for a few minutes. if I do that, it won’t be wasted #money. it will slide into the #routine I’m already building. cross fingers for me.
nice choreo by @anna in @revolution dance center
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: so ok, I did something with this whole november-mood. I took that messy, drifting feeling – the one that’s been chewing on me for days – and I threw it into my therapist-chat profile on chatgpt. the one I use when I’m not looking for diary tips or tech fixes, but for… myself. and the answer I got back? damn. it hit.
not in a “comforting” way. more like: get your shit together, man.
and of course, that felt good.
because honestly, the fact that I even looked for help today is already a good sign. I didn’t let the november autopilot run the show again. I didn’t fall into the “oh well, this is who I am” bullshit. I stopped. I looked for something. I tried to understand what’s happening instead of slipping into the same stupid loop.
and that response… it made things clearer. it didn’t call me weak. it basically said I’m predictable. and predictable is fixable. and that’s exactly what I needed.
so yeah… I’m actually glad I reached for that little help today. even from a robot – which chatgpt basically is. but that doesn’t matter. what matters is that I’m still trying. that something in me still wants the life I want – not the one that appears when I stop paying attention.
and I know there are two more pretty big things I have to fix in my life. well, ok, way more than two. but I’m finally getting strong enough to face at least those two. the ones I know I suck at.
but that’s for another day.
: lately I feel like I’m drifting again. not completely lost, but definitely not where I want to be. that weird in-between space where I keep moving, going to dance classes, checking things off… but somehow still ending the day in a way that doesn’t feel like my life. fast food, a quick show, some scrolling. nothing dramatic. nothing terrible. just… typical. and that’s exactly the problem.
I don’t want a typical life. I can’t afford a typical life if I want the things I say I want.
and it hits even harder because this isn’t new. it’s a pattern. November comes, and suddenly I have two dating apps installed again. I start “looking” for something, even though I have no idea what. fast food sneaks back in. tiny routines I don’t want quietly push away the ones I do. I’ve seen this before. last year, the year before… the same loop.
and that’s when the disappointment lands. because I know I’m capable of more. a few months ago I felt strong, focused, moving forward. and now? now I feel like a regular guy doing regular things. and nothing in me wants “regular.”
the scary part is realising that I actually believed I was past this. that I owned my life now. that I ruled it. and facing these patterns again makes me feel like I’m just a weak human after all. and that weak human… he can’t make my dreams happen. I need to be better than that.
so today I finally said the thing I didn’t want to admit out loud:
I am disappointed with myself. very much.
and maybe this is the start of the anger I’ve been waiting for. just a tiny spark, but maybe it’ll lead somewhere again. the worst part? even that feels like a pattern too. anger → motivation → mobilization → drift → repeat. and I honestly don’t know what to feel about that.
coffee with sugar and oat milk
food journal
it’s thursday – my only #evening this week without any dance class. no jazz, no gym, no training.
just me. and that’s usually the #danger zone.
because you know how it goes – a free #evening, some fast food, maybe a tv show, a bit of #scrolling… and then the night’s gone. but not today. today I stopped myself. I just said: no. I put my shoes on and went for a #walk.
and that changed everything.
I was supposed to rest, but I don’t really rest. I rest through motion, through #change. after a few kilometers I felt lighter, stronger, full of energy. this #walk gave me #fuel. to think, to act, to move.
when there’s #change, there’s excitement. and when excitement becomes routine – that’s the best part. because that means I made it mine.
so yeah. maybe it was just a #walk.
but maybe it was also a small rebellion – against old #habits, against the quiet pull of nothingness. and it worked. I feel alive again.
#progress. that’s what it was.
: yesterday I’ve cancelled two #subscriptions. feedbin, and after that also instapaper. nothing big – but something changed.
a few days ago I got an email about my feedbin renewal. not a huge thing, just one of those automatic reminders. I was even going to renew it – it’s not expensive, and feedbin is a nice service. but that one email made me stop. think. and somehow it triggered a whole chain reaction.
I looked at my rss feeds – dozens of them, thousands of unread articles. that wasn’t information anymore, it was baggage. old versions of me, old habits, old curiosities, old languages. like a room full of ghosts – whispering: “read me, remember me, you used to care.” but I don’t. not anymore.
many of them were polish blogs, polish sources, topics I’m not interested in. those feeds were still publishing into a room I no longer live in. every scroll was a reminder of someone I used to be.
so I started cleaning. like I clean my #space. like a minimalist should. deleting (rss) apps and subscriptions isn’t about data – it’s about weight. emotional weight. unread articles feel like unfinished conversations, like a debt to my past self.
so I let them go. cancelled feedbin, then cancelled instapaper, moved everything into one reader (reeder) app. one that feels light. and it’s probably temporary. or maybe not. I don’t even know if I’ll stay with it. maybe I’ll simplify it even more. but right now, it feels free. not the “I can do anything” kind of freedom – the “I don’t have to” kind.
and that’s the best kind of #freedom. people usually add things to feel better. I prefer removing them. one quiet decision, one small click – and suddenly half my digital life rearranged itself.
